Nevertheless, in moments of clarity, I realize that taking Spanish in school would have been of little utility here in Montevideo, because, despite what they may say, they don’t speak Español here; they speak Rioplatense Uruguayo, which is NOT to be confused with either Rioplatense Porteño, or Español del interior.

Spanish-speakers are very picky about their language.  (Does anybody know the word for Spanish-speakers that is parallel to “Francophone” or “Anglophone”?  I can’t find it and I have looked high and low…) For example, in school they taught Castellano Español (Castillian Spanish).  But when I once used the word “Español” to a Cubano friend in Florida to describe his native tongue, he was insulted and told me that “only Mexican migrant workers speak Español, I speak Castellano”.  So I started using the word Castellano instead…

…Until I was in Gibraltar and used the word Castellano when speaking to a local Gibraltarian (all of whom are amazingly totally bilingual).  He went into a tirade and explained to me, in what can best be described as indignant and excited utterances that “Castellano was the language of the damned Madrid centralists, and that Andalusian was perfectly good Spanish as well; and I should understand that in Gibraltar they speak the Llanito dialect of Andalusian, NOT Castellano”.

Great! After that I was afraid to call the language anything…

Then came my horrendous stay in Costa Rica where they have the habit of changing the diminutive “ito, (as in Puerito, cafecito, etc.)  to “ico”, hence their nickname of “Ticos”–I have some other names for them, but I cannot add them here as this is a family friendly blog.  Anyway, despite, the “ico”, Costa Ricans also claimed to speak “Castellano”….

Finally, I arrived in Montevideo and encountered Rioplatense Uruguayo, although I had no idea that was what it was at the time.

I distinctly remember having breakfast in my hotel and requesting  “servietas papeles” (paper napkins).  I pronounced the word slowly and clearly using the Cubano Castellano I had been taught.  But the waiter looked at me as if I had spoken in Turkish… Then he brightened and said (phonetically transcribed) “ah, servishettas”, after which he brought the napkins.  As before, my internal reaction is quite unprintable here, except perhaps in to use the Latin phrase “illegitimi non carborundam est” (I apologize to any Latin scholars if I have mispelled anything).

That was my introduction to Rioplatense pronunciation in which the “y” (when used as a consonant) and the “ll” are both pronounced like “sh” or “zh” in English.  Everywhere else in the Spanish-speaking (spanophone maybe?) world they are pronounced like the “y” as a consonant in English.

The other big difference is the use of “vos” alongside “tu” in the second person  familiar form.  I have been told that “vos”  (instead of, or interchangeably with “tu”) is a holdover, or perhaps more properly a hangover, from medieval Spanish.

For many months I spoke both Cubano Castellano and Rioplatense Español badly, but in tande.  Words I learned before I moved here were pronounced in Cubano and new words that I learned here were pronounced in Rioplatense.  Finally, in my efforts to de-gringoize myself, I totally converted to Rioplatense.

But then Rioplatense backfired on me last April in Panama when our Panamanian attorneys made fun of my Rioplatense pronunciation.  As you may expect, that just meant that I would find ways to use it more often. Sanitago sold out and switched to Castellano, and then accused me of being a “Uruguayo Nacionalista”…

But when I came home to Uruguay I was convinced I finally had the various versions of whatever you call that language straightened out in my mind….

Until earlier this week, when it was explained to me, that Rioplatense Uruguayo is different that Rioplatense Porteño in that the people from Buenos Aires NEVER use “tu”, and only use “vos” or “vosotros”:  AND that the people in the interior of both Uruguay and Argentina do not speak Rioplatense (of whichever dialect) at all.

Therefore, after careful consideration, I have decided to have Borko teach me Serbian…