Taking advantage of the world’s attention on the war breaking out between Israel and its neighbors, Argentine troops crossed the Rio Uruguay today in order to “restore national honor” after its dual defeats in the World Cup and the World Court.
The tension has been building for months. After being assured by the Argentine Intelligence Agency (who are stringers for Fox News and CNN) that Margaret Thatcher was NOT on holiday in Punta del Este, the green light was given for the border crossing.
The invasion did not go off without some surprises however. Greenpeace was still blocking the bridges over the river as part of its anti-Uruguay campaign and would not allow the Argentine Army across until the commanding general promised not to attack any whales during the invasion. By that time it was already 11am.
The invasion really began to pick up speed at that point. Uruguay’s rolling countryside is perfect for armor and motorized infantry. They bypassed the Swiss colony at Nueva Helvecia which had immediately declared itself neutral.
The Argentines were at the western gates of Montevideo less than two hours after their tardy river crossing when fate intervened again—it was siesta time, and no one would waken the commanding general for further instructions, so the troops followed their leader’s example and bivouacked.
Like the intrepid defenders of the Alamo, the Uruguayans prepared to fight
a holding action until the world could come to their aid. Leaving the defense of the city under the command of the senior doctor at the Hospital Militar, the Uruguay Government removed itself to Punta del Este and is preparing to coordinate the defense of the country from that location. Calls went out to the United Nations, the United States, the United Kingdom and Brazil. But these calls remain unanswered.
The UN, US and UK are “seized of” the Israeli war, and the leadership of Brazil is still in hiding after its ignominious World Cup defeat. Early this afternoon, refreshed from their siesta, Argentine troops began marching through Montevideo and taking control of all of the strong points of the city. Uruguayans had already put into effect tactics for confusing and delaying the invasion: street signs were removed or switched so the
troops kept doubling back on themselves.
Additionally all traffic signals and stop signs were taken down to cause maximum havoc to drivers accustomed to the aggressive pace of Buenos Aires driving. We are reliably informed that occupation is well underway and the all strong points, including every bar and liquor store are occupied already. But the world remains aloof, no one seems to care about the fate of poor Uruguay. We wait and we hope… Has Argentina finally found someone it can beat at something?
[4 hours later] A miracle has occurred! A Scottish exchange student at the Naval Academy (just down the Rambla in Carrasco from our offices) on the extreme eastern side of Montevideo came up with the idea of playing bagpipes over mobile loudspeakers and having cadets run through the streets shouting “vienen los ingleses” (the British are coming)—and it worked. At the sound of the shouting and the bagpipes drawing nearer Argentine troops have been dropping their weapons and running.
We understand that groups of Argentine officers have hi-jacked every small boat in the marinas and are heading back across the Rio de la Plata at top speed. A report just crossed out desk that an entire motorized battalion surrendered to the head office of Tienda Inglesas, mistakenly taking it for the British Embassy.
The last thing we heard was that President Kirchner of Argentina was planning to file suit in the World Court to get their tanks and trucks back from Uruguay… Is this a true account? It could be. Or may I was just daydreaming again…
The superior intellect of Uruguayans comes through clearly - the rout of the Agentine forces was a piece of torta. This failed effort by Argetina to retain its grasp on corrupt practices and deal making with foreign investors via the International Court of Justice proves that the country is foolish. Now, let’s get on with the construction of the paper plants and may peace ring out in the far south of South America.
Left by Dan goggin on July 13th, 2006
And thus another chapter of heroic military dash and daring is acted out, and recorded in the annuls of history forever. If it wasn’t for the United Nations all would be lost… now exactly where are we, can anyone see the light, just which way is up, is that a Penguin?
Left by Adrian Moore on July 16th, 2006